


Standing Right In Front Of You (Exactly Who I'm Meant To Be)

by ineffablesheep



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Bucky Barnes Feels, Comic Book Science, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Existential Angst, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Hydra (Marvel), I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Identity Issues, Implied/Referenced Brainwashing, Just Add Kittens, Loss of Identity, Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Protective Tony Stark, Tony Stark Has A Heart, Why Did I Write This?, Winter Soldier Bucky Barnes, fixes everything, in regards to
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-07
Updated: 2018-03-27
Packaged: 2019-03-14 23:16:00
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,763
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13600509
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ineffablesheep/pseuds/ineffablesheep
Summary: He held out as long as he could, the same name and number over and over. It wasn't sure what it meant. It was a weapon, made to kill. But he was a soldier, too, wasn't he? That's what the scientists said, and they must be scientists because they were wearing white coats like the ones on the covers of... It couldn’t remember, it mustn't matter. Weapons didn't need thoughts, he'd already learnt that.However, it was a soldier. The name and number belonged to a Sargent. Maybe he was James Barnes. That must be it. He, the Asset, was James Barnes.Then the power surged and the hum turned to a screech to searing pain and then there was nothing left at all.---Imagine if Bucky was clinging onto his identity so hard during Hydra's brainwashing that the Winter Soldier personality claimed it as his own.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I don't know what this fic is, I just have too much time to think at work and this idea wouldn't leave me alone.
> 
> I really like fics where Bucky and the soldier are separate personalities, but I wanted to twist it so that instead of Bucky being the dominant personality (and keeping his identity), that the soldier became the dominant personality and claimed the identity of James Barnes. Which meant that the bits that made Bucky 'Bucky' rather than a human weapon were left floating adrift to form a new self.
> 
> And I know screw all when it comes to DID, so I'm invoking Comic Book Science

"What is your name?"

"Sargent James Buchanan Barnes, 32557038."

"Wrong answer. Up the voltage."

\---

"Well pet, let's see if the last three months have done you any good. What is your name?"

"Sargent James Buchanan Barnes, 32557038”

\---

He held out as long as he could, the same name and number over and over. It wasn't sure what it meant. It was a weapon, made to kill. But he was a soldier, too, wasn't he? That's what the scientists said, and they _must_ be scientists because they were wearing white coats like the ones on the covers of... It couldn’t remember, it mustn't matter. Weapons didn't need thoughts, he'd already learnt that.

However, it was a soldier. The name and number belonged to a Sargent. Maybe _he_ was James Barnes. That must be it. He, the Asset, was James Barnes.

Then the power surged and the hum turned to a screech to searing pain and then there was nothing left at all.

\---

His handler laughed.

"What would Captain America think of this, his precious Bucky dead and our soldier in his place?"

The soldier didn't say anything. He didn't know who this 'Bucky' was, but it sounded like he'd killed him. It wouldn't have been the first time it'd killed one person to hurt another. James Barnes was the perfect weapon; and weapons didn't ask questions.

\---

It followed orders to near perfection, and as a reward they burnt out the strange, mumbling hum that lived at the back of his mind and made him hesitate when he should be efficient. Every time it came back they burnt it out of him again, the little whisperings that asked why, why it did what it did. Sometimes, it would ask who it was. It couldn't remember most of the time, but he knew he had a name. On those nights it would sit in his cell and find his tongue tracing letters on the roof of its mouth, the one place it could guarantee silence.

\---

It had been a while since the Asset had had a challenge like this. Fighting the Widow was challenge enough but it held its own against the blonde super soldier and the winged man too.

"Bucky?"

The blond super soldier is staring at him, not attacking him as he was. He looks pained and it doesn't think it's from the beating he had just taken. Did the man think he was Bucky? It knew it had a name, and it certainly wasn't that.

"Who the hell is Bucky?"

\---

The handler lied about the man on the bridge and the maintenance wasn't enough to wipe away the humming at the back of his skull. As it sat there with electricity in its teeth and ozone on its skin, the humming _grew_.

\---

Why.

What?

Why?

Hurting.

Why hurting?

You.

Us.

We are hurting people.

Why?

Why are hurting us?

Who?

Who are you?

Am I?

A weapon.

No.

Why?

Eye patch.

Please.

No.

Hurting.

Blonde.

Steve.

Who is Steve?

What line?

Why?

Steve.

Steve!

No hurting Steve!

\---

It was going to finish its mission, at last! This mission would be a success. The super soldier beneath him had given up fighting though, and it was strange. Unsatisfying. The Asset liked a challenge and this man was simply lying there begging for Bucky.

Who was this 'Bucky'?

More importantly, why couldn't it move its fist?

\---

Control.

No more hurting Steve.

No more falls.

_Please._

I don't like falling.

\---

The humming had been in charge of its- his- their body since the humming dragged the super soldier out of the river. It was confused itself. Where had this secondary mind come from? It was an anomaly for a weapon to have one mind, let alone two. Especially one that refused to hurt people even if the mission called for it.

(Mission: maintain independence. Self-assigned. Gather Intel. Who is the man? Who is Bucky?)

The third day of their new mission, the soldier took over. The secondary mind was weak, useless. It had stopped and stared at a pet shop window for eight minutes before moving on with stern prompting. Cute, the humming told him. Soft, cuddly. Food he replied, sustenance, liability.

The humming curled up in the back of his mind like the kitten it had been pining for and cried.

Pathetic.

\---

The soldier is always careful to keep ahead of the other super soldier. Steve Rogers, Captain America, the museum exhibit had said. The soldier is gaining memories back now that he isn't getting maintenance like he needs and vaguely remember a handler laughing at him.

_"What would Captain America think of this, his precious Bucky dead and our soldier in his place?"_

The soldier knew who he was now. He knew it like he knew his favourite knives and the plates of his arm. He asked the humming if it was Bucky and it retreated to the back of his mind in pained confusion.

Bucky was dead. Captain America was going to need to learn that.

\---

The humming had control the day that Hydra managed to ambush them. He screamed and James forced his way into control, talking apart the TAC team with extreme prejudice. When it was over he sat there in the pooling blood and panted, searching for the humming. He'd begun to get attached to the other mind and Hydra was going to have problems if they’d scared it away. He found it deep in a corner of his mind, holed up with a memory of a soft blanket and a woman's voice chasing away the nightmares.

You're shaking like a little mouse, he told the humming. The humming continued to shake and glared at him. I'm not a mouse you jerk, and James laughed. My little mouse friend, you're safe here now.

Later, when James checked in on the humming he was greeted with a happy grin and told to call it- him Mouse.

Мышь, he laughed, the soldier and the mouse.

\---

"Bucky!"

"I'm not Bucky."

"Shit, Steve, that's the soldier, do not engage! I'm bringing back up."

"I know you're in there Bucky, hang tight, I'm here now." The soldier can't help but snort.

"There is no Bucky in here."

"Look, whatever Hydra did to you, this Winter Soldier programming, we can help you, okay? Just don't leave me again, please Buck."

"Programming? I am the Winter Soldier, who did you think you were talking to?"

"Soldier, I know he's in there, let me talk to him."

"Oh you mean Мышь? I read the museum exhibit, he wasn't your friend. I was. Kinda sad you don't recognise me I'll be honest. You've been harping on about us being childhood friends and keep looking right past me Rogers."

"You're the Winter Soldier, you're not my friend."

"My name is James Barnes. And yes, I am the Winter Soldier. Doesn't mean I don't have a name, arsehole."

"I don't know what they told you and how hey programmed you, but you're not Bucky."

"I know, I told you that. This Bucky you keep looking for? He's dead. I'm what's left, me and Мышь and quite frankly he's not impressed with you right now either. Mouse sat there quietly, watching the confrontation. He's not Bucky, he's done plenty of reading and he's not who Rogers is looking for. James is Stevie's old friend, why doesn't he listen to him?

The Widow arrives with backup and James lets them be taken in. Mouse thinks it's largely to spite Rogers, to show him that he is his long lost friend. Mouse would like to make friends with Rogers, he seems like he could be interesting.

\---

The engineer and the sourcerer talk to Steve for a long time. He doesn't look at James as he runs from the room.

They think that as James Barnes, the original James Barnes, clung onto his identity it became mixed with the Winter Soldier brainwashing. A corrupted file.

Or that the soldier simply claimed the identity of James Barnes as his own. That what was left over of Bucky Barnes, the surplus that was deemed unwanted in the creation of Hydra's fist, splintered off. That that's where Мышь came from. There wasn't really any way to know for sure.

James didn't mind, whoever he might have been before was gone, and Мышь was happy enough. мышь was still the weaker personality but James let him have time with the body, they negotiated fairly well he thought. Tony had helped, he'd explained why he couldn't keep Мышь  locked in his head no matter how much safer for him it was. He wouldn't be able to learn or grow, like Dum-E or U or Butterfingers. It wouldn't be any better than the way Zola or Pierce had kept James locked up. So James shared their body.

\---

Mouse liked spending time with Stevie. Stevie was kind and gentle with him. He couldn’t say his name in Russian like James but he didn’t mind either one. Mouse was still learning about opinions and identity. He was still learning, he was told, still growing like the plant that Natasha had given James. When he asked why she'd done that, Stevie's face had gone dark, and he'd left the room. Tony had later told him it was a reminder to James. That like the plant, Mouse needed time and care and sunlight to grow, that he couldn't be locked away. Mouse thought that this was a good idea, because James had been giving him more time with the body lately and his plant was growing nicely. He wished Stevie could see that.

Мышь didn't like horror movies, or Stevie calling him Bucky. He liked his name, James had helped him chose it. And James was his friend now they'd stopped fighting and no he knew he wasnt James' pet and James knew that too so shove off Stevie! Мышь had fled.

James was not impressed.

No one in the tower really liked Мышь or James. Tony did, but that might have been because if he wasn't afraid of the Hulk he couldn't really be afraid of James. And Tony said that the bots really liked Mouse so he was always allowed to play with them when Tony was in the lab. The man was an enigma, to somehow enjoy the company of the man who killed his parents. James wasn’t going to complain though. That might lose Мышь his access to the bots or his own access to the firing range and Tony’s stories.

Natasha was a threat, but so was he. He was uneasy around her, but she had good reason to be. She gave him a plant though, and looked out for Мышь so that counted towards something.

Barton kept a wary eye on them. He'd been brainwashed too apparently and struggled with the idea that he could have ended up like James and Мышь. He didn't say it, but James could read him clear as day.

Banner stayed away from James. Sometimes he would make pudding with Мышь and answer question after question. James was too unsettling for the Hulk.

Rogers could barely stand the sight of him. He made it clear that the Winter Soldier would never be an Avenger, after watching James take apart the Hydra team that tried to kidnap him. He threw around things like 'unbalanced' and 'dangerous' and 'has no ethics or morals; that man was never Bucky!' and James shrugged and carried on. He wasn't fussed on being an Avenger.

James Barnes just wanted to live.

 

 


	2. Happy Birthday Mouse

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's Mouse's first birthday, James is insecure, Tony becomes the emotional mum friend and there are cats.
> 
> Kittens to be precise

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is for Bronwyn who wanted Mouse to get a kitten and who always leaves such lovely comments :)
> 
> The majority of this was written on my phone at work the last week and is unbeta'd as per usual.

Today was a special day. It was, in fact, Mouse’s birthday.

 

Technically, he should have the same birthday as James since they shared the same body but the two of them had decided to have different birthdays because they were different people. James claimed the 17th of March as his own (he was James Barnes, he argued, it had always been his birthday. Go fuck yourself Rogers). Mouse decided to claim the day he was named as his birthday. It was pointed out that he’d existed for longer, since the… restructuring of Barnes’ brain but he hadn’t been _him_ yet so no. The 13 th of October it was.

 

Mouse's birthday started like any other day. He woke up, nudged James to see if he was awake, and then hopped out of bed. He was already shirtless (James didn’t like sleeping in clothes) stripped out of his pj pants (covered in owls cause they could compromise and if James got to be shirtless then Mouse got awesome pj pants) and stepped into the shower. By the time he had washed their body, James had woken up and took over to wash their hair. Mouse loved having his hair washed. They had decided to keep their hair long, one for the fluffiness and the other to piss off Steve. Shower done, James dried off and went to get dressed. It was Mouse's birthday so he got to choose lots of their clothes for the day. James dressed, wandered into the kitchen to put the kettle on, and then went to water his plant. He was so proud of James. His plant had grown so much since he got it, he'd had to repot it and it sat on a table by the window so it could get air and light. Just like every day, James checked in on mouse. How he felt (excited), what he wanted to do today (have cake and spend time with his friends and James and maybe see a movie?), did he have any dreams last night (it wasn't too scary), and mouse would check on James. (Restless, nervous, wanted to talk to Tony, yes and you don't want to know about it Mouse.)

 

Then Mouse would go into the kitchen, make two cups of coffee, and he was getting good at this. He hadn't confused sugar and salt in weeks! Then, cup in each hand, he walked to the door of their apartment, carefully down the hallway to the lift and down to Tony's workshop.

 

The engineer looked well rested today, James thought. The bags under his eyes were minimal and he had a brightness in his eyes that spoke of few nightmares and successful engineering. He kept an eye on mouse as his other half placed a cup down on the bench next to Tony (only a little spill; that was acceptable. James didn't want to mess up Tony's space. The man said he wouldn't revoke their workshop access unless they did something horrendous but James still didn't want to push his luck.)

 

At this point, mouse handed over control to James and he took a sip of his own coffee, black with just a touch of sugar and milk to make it palatable for his mouse. They were compromising. He pulled a chair over and settled down next to the engineer. He liked their routine. It satisfied the Hydra-born part of him that craved structure, order, and had the bonus of giving Mouse something regular and normal in his life.

 

"Well good morning to you too, Grumpy cat." The engineer took a sip of his own coffee and sighed contentedly. "Sleep okay?"

 

"Mouse did."

 

"And you not so much." James looked to the man's eyes at this, the man had a poker face that would make a politician spit teeth in jealousy, but didn't guard his eyes from him or Mouse. The former assassin was sure he could have, the man was born into the spotlight rather than being made of Hydra's brainwashing and remains of another man. It was a show of trust, a privilege James coveted. Tony was the only one in the tower not on constant guard around him even after months of living there and regular therapy. James had worked hard for it. 

 

"No. More hydra stuff. Things I don’t want to remember." Tony didn't part him on the shoulder like he would someone else, they weren't there yet. (A splintered crate, a bleeding nose, a knife in each hand and a concussion from the wall). Instead he changed the subject to the importance of the day. 

 

"So, Mouse, would you mind not listening for a bit? James and I need to talk privately."

 

_It'll be worth it, I promise. I'll let you know when you can join in again._

 

Mouse curled up in a corner of their mind and James tightened his grip on their body. He didn't want mouse to hearing anything that might give it away. 

 

"James?"

 

"Hmm?"

 

"Have you made a decision? It's gonna be mouse's responsibility but we both know you'll be involved too. We can think of something else. "

 

"I want it. I want him to have something of his own. He's improving nicely, I think it's a good next step for him."

 

"Well, shall we surprise him then?"

 

\-----

 

"James no! Don't tell me you're gonna eat them!"

 

Mouse's anxious squeak makes Tony turn to face them sharply, alarmed confusion on his face. James bleeds through just enough to calm the man that no, he hadn't eaten any kittens and that he'd explain later before handing control back to his Мышь. The three of them were standing in the local SPCA, in front of a wall of cages filled with kittens. Once in the room, James let Mouse take over and Tony had wished him a happy first birthday, one whole year of existence.

 

Tony and James promised him that they weren't gonna eat any of the kittens and told him to take them out and have a play. Mouse wasn’t sure where they were but he was surrounded by kittens and this was the best thing ever!

 

There were toys scattered across the floor and mouse easily coaxed the tiny fur balls out to play. There was a little grey one that he didn't like much because it scratched at him when he tried to pat it. Two identical black ones twined around his legs nearly causing him to trip so he sat on the floor.  Mouse didn't want to squash a kitten even if it was accidental. As soon as he was seated a ginger one climbed over his lap to rub against his shirt, leaving ginger fluff all over him. Mouse laughed as it tickled and waved a stick with a feather on it for a tortoise shell to chase. One of the black kittens tried to climb his metal arm only to slide off the side so he gently picked it up and placed it on his shoulder. A calico eyed up the swaying stands of hair before leaping up his back to curl on his head, as the black kitten swatted the ends. The tortoise shell kept reaching after the feather, over Mouse's lap and into other kittens in her efforts to catch it. The grey one sulked closer, this time he went to pet it with his metal hand but it hissed and scratched at him so Mouse left it alone. He had plenty others to play with. 

 

By the end of the hour every last kitten had decided that they needed a proper nap and were fast asleep all over Mouse. In the corner, Tony spoke up quietly, refusing to disturb the scene in front of him. He'd taken so many pictures of Mouse and the kittens and wasn't that a thought, a giant mouse and tiny kittens and there they all were, snuggled up together. He had no doubt James had been watching too, a protective eye on his other half.

 

"Hey Мышь, how are you doing there?"

 

"So happy Tony you have no idea! Look, I'm covered in cats!" Tony didn't think he'd ever seen mouse this happy (or James, but the man always seemed to look like Grumpy cat’s human twin). Mouse was covered in cat hair, his own was a bird's nest and at some point he'd gotten cat biscuit crumbs on himself.

 

"Well, do you have a favourite?" The man looked at the pile of fluff on him and thought. 

 

"I don't like the grey one, its mean. The black ones are cute and so's the calico and the ginger but they aren't that playful. I think the tortoise shell is my favourite, she's playful and so soft and look she's cuddled up under my shirt." Sure enough, Tony could see a multi coloured tail peeking out from underneath the hem. Now or never. 

 

"Getting to play with the cats here wad only part of your surprise mouse. James and I have been talking, and if you want to you can have a kitten for your birthday. You'll have to take care of it, like James and his plant, and we'll help you but it will be your kitten. What do you think Mouse, want to take the tortoise shell home?"

 

If Mouse wasn’t covered in cats he might have jumped up and hugged Tony because a kitten of his own? He nudged James, wanting to know more. Was Tony serious? Could he really get a kitten? Please?

 

_Of course. Tony and I have been discussing this for a while. You can have any kitten in this room._

 

"I want the tortoise shell one. She's my favourite." Mouse declares.

 

"The tortoise shell it is."

 

\----

 

It took some convincing to get Mouse to let go of his kitten long enough for the shelter's vet to give her a last look over and chip her. James nearly had to take over when it took longer than expected - Mouse getting anxious that the vet was going to take his kitten away from him. Paperwork and money settled, the kitten safely in a carry-cage, the three set off home. Tony had been prepared and already gotten food and a litter tray. Mouse could pick out a collar and toys later.

 

Now in their apartment lounge, Mouse was sitting with his kitten on his lap, the fur ball tired after exploring her new home. Tony sat across the floor from him and boy his back was gonna complain but neither of the other two liked someone standing over them so the floor it was.

 

"Have you decided on a name for her?"

 

"I want to name her Tony." 

 

_No._

 

"What??"

 

"Yeah, Tony. Like you."

 

_You can't name her after Tony, that's ridiculous._

 

_But James I want to._

 

"Please choose a different name mouse, there doesn't need to be another Tony in this tower."

 

"Alright can I name her James?"

 

_What the fuck._

 

"Mouse, why do you want to name your kitten after one of us?" Tony asked carefully. The man looked up at him and shrugged. 

 

"Because I like you two and I like my kitten so I wanted to name her after something I like.”

 

Jesus. James was probably trying not to scream right now. That or he was going to hide the kitten from Mouse until he agreed to choose a different name and that would end in disaster. What had Mouse’s therapist discussed with him again?

 

"Мышь," he starts, "I'm honoured and I'm sure James is too in his own way that you want to name your kitten after us. But remember what you and the doc talked about? About different people and having different identities?"

 

"Names help separate people from each other and give them an identity of their own. Like even though I started out as a part of James I am not James and am allowed to have a name and personality of my own. Just because we share a body doesn't mean we are one person." It took Mouse a long time to learn that one, the words repeated like the mantra they'd become when Mouse found out that no, not everyone shared a mind with another person. That was a dozen steps backwards in his progress. He’d looked so sad when he’d asked Tony if he was lonely in his head since he didn’t have a James.

 

"So why do you think that James and I don't want you to give the cat one of our names?" Mouse frowned and stroked the sleeping feline.

 

"Because you are not the same person. The cat is her own self and shouldn't be named like you because it ignores that she exists?"

 

"Pretty much." Close enough to hopefully avoid a disaster.

 

"So what should I name her then?"

 

"It's your choice. She's yours to take care of and look after and love. Naming her is part of that."

 

"So she's my plant?"

 

"Your plant?"

 

"Yeah, James has his plant and I have my kitten." He screwed up his face in thought. "Does that mean I am also James's plant in a way?"

 

James was gonna be having words with Tony he was sure. That right there was _exactly_ why Natasha had given James the plant in the first place.

 

"Sort of but it's different. James's plant can't look after itself at all, whereas you can be taught. You grow in different ways and the end goal is for you to be able to live without so much guidance as you have now, to have more agency. Like James himself does." 

 

"So she's my plant but more like me cause she'll learn? Okay.”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Her name is Leaf."

 

And who was Tony (or James) to argue with that?

 

\----

 

Kitten named, candle blown out and cake eaten, Мышь was exhausted. He made sure Leaf had enough to eat and drink before putting her on his pillow.  She snuggled into the softness and Mouse fell asleep moments after.

 

\----

 

James wandered back through to the lounge where Tony had taken the chance to sit on the sofa. He could be a dick to the engineer, if he sat on the floor he knew the older man would follow him down but he didn't have the heart for it after today. Maybe another time. Instead, he sat next to the man leaving plenty of space. Physical contact was something he and his own therapist were working through. 

 

"Mission: first birthday was a success." He declared. "My Мышь likes his present, he had fun with the cats and he had cake and blew out a candle. All targets filled."

 

"Going back to mission debriefs, really James?"

 

James had nothing to say. 

 

"I get it, you're as allergic to feelings as I am. If they made medic alert bracelets for feeling allergies you'd have one in fact I could make you one for your own birthday if you wanted. But today went well! Mouse had fun, and that kitten is gonna be spoilt rotten I can tell. And he even worked through why naming her after us wasn’t a good idea. He’s learning!"

 

He shrugged, avoiding Tony's gaze. 

 

“The third day after we escaped, the humming sound – Мышь,” he corrects himself, “had control.” He fiddles with the plates of his hand and gathers his words. “He stopped to look in a pet shop window, at some kittens. He didn’t even have a name then. He was just the humming in my head that Hydra kept trying to wipe away. We were on the run and he stopped to look in the window because they were cute. Soft, cuddly things. I took over and told him off, that they were just a liability if kept alive and served better as a food source. He didn’t understand why he couldn’t have one.”

 

Tony makes an understanding noise, Mouse’s initial distress at the SPCA making sense now.

 

“Мышь has made progress. He is becoming a person in his own right. He has evolved and changed.”

 

“And you’re worried that you haven’t.”

 

“Мышь was a blank slate to start with. Hydra made me to follow orders and obey. I don’t think I can change.” The last words are forced out in a whisper before James lurched from the sofa and out onto the balcony, away from Tony. The breeze was cool compared to their apartment and he clenched his hands on the railing. It creaked a little and he loosened his grip. His eyes itched like they did when Mouse cried. Fuck Stark and his stupid emotions and his dam _listening_. He was malfunctioning, he was never like this how did he make it _stop?_

 

In the back of his mind, Мышь stirred at the emotional flux. James quickly lulled him back to sleep. He’d had a big day and would be cranky tomorrow without enough sleep.

 

Behind him soft steps padded to the sliding door and stopped at the threshold.

 

“I wasn’t entirely joking about the feelings allergy before, but this seems like something that talking might help. I’m here if you want, or I can get your therapist. It’s your choice James. You always have a choice.” James sniffed but didn’t turn around or answer. Instead he shuffled across to make space at the railing.

 

“James, James, Grumpy cat extraordinaire. You asked me once why I was spending time with you and Мышь. Why would I spend time with the man who killed my parents and a half formed personality that could play fetch with my bots longer than even they were interested. I didn’t answer you I know,” the engineer stepped up to the railing (not too close to James, always so respectful of his boundaries).

 

“I probably should have answered but I didn’t really know how. I’m a genius engineer, not a genius people-person. That sounds really bad that’s probably why I didn’t answer okay let me explain before you read too much into that.

 

“Who you were when you arrived at the tower was a very unbalanced personality. Not mentally, well no more so than anyone else here, but you weren’t balanced as a person. You had a name weapons and combat training and an overprotective streak. You were angry and vengeful which I mean fair enough not gonna stop you. That was it. _That was James Barnes_. The skills part of you was out of balance with the person part of you.”

 

James twitched uncomfortably. Of course he didn’t have a, a… person part of him. He was a weapon and all he was made to be. But - he would hear Stark out. The man always had an insight into things that others missed, even James for all he was a spy and assassin. If the man was prepared to talk… emotions just to help James, he would have the respect to listen.

 

“Mouse was still just a name the primarily deferred to you. He had no real skills, and other than being scared of violence and liking cute animals he was barely a person. Anyhow. What I’m saying is that yes, Mouse has made significant progress in becoming a person. So have you, the only difference is that your progress is different than Mouse’s, it’s not as visible.” Stark sighed and rested his forearms on the railing. He hung his head and took a breath.

 

“Listen, James, I work with artificial intelligence. My AIs are less creations and more my children because that’s how personalities and people are created. Mouse is like Dum-E or Butterfingers or U, he’s young. To go with the AI metaphor – his programming is less set. He didn’t have a core code. You were short changed James. Hydra brought you into the world with a shitty core code and then caged you so you couldn’t grow. You don’t raise a happy, healthy, balanced AI by restricting and abusing it. You were not happy, healthy or balanced when you got here.

 

“So to answer both your questions, I spend time with you because you James are doing something incredible: you’re rewriting your own core code. Mouse is writing himself, change is easy to see but you’re remaking yourself and that change is harder, slower work and isn’t as easy to see. I started because you needed a guardian, even more so than your Мышь in some ways and I stayed because I saw a man growing that I would like to be friends with. You’ve both got a way to go – you can’t just sneak into someone’s room and paint dicks on their walls just because they keep calling Mouse ‘Bucky’. But you’re more than who you used to be. You’re James Barnes, you get to decide who that is.”

 

Stark’s words hang in the cool night air between them. He had a lot to think about, a lot of things he didn’t know how to process. Stark- no, _Tony_ was silent next to him after the emotional outpouring. The man was right in a lot of ways. His reactions, his thought processes, they were different than they used to be. Only a little bit, but they were changing. _He_ was changing. Fuck, he even had a favourite colour now.

 

“You want to be my friend?” James’ voice was raspy and his throat felt tight. And that was okay now, because while assets don’t have feelings _people do._

 

“I do James. Seeing who you’re becoming, I’d like to be friends with you. Now, that’s all the touchy-feely-emotional crap I can handle for another decade. Go to bed James. Have a think about what I said and have a talk with your therapist tomorrow maybe. Come on, it’s getting cold out here.”

 

Taking one last breath of cold air, James turned and followed Tony back inside. The engineer grabbed his phone from the coffee table. Just before he reached the door, James decided to try something.

 

“Tony, wait?”

 

James stepped carefully towards the waiting man taking a breath, told him to hold still. He didn’t have to stay what Hydra made him. He and Мышь could both grow. Could _both_ change.

 

With that he reached out with one hand, his metal one because he didn’t think he could handle actually _feeling_ this, and gently poked Tony in the shoulder. He quickly stepped back, mumbling a good night before rushing to his and Mouse’s room.

 

On Mouse’s pillow, Leaf was still curled up asleep. James quickly undressed, pulled on Mouse’s owl pj pants and slipped under the covers. Gently, he pulled the pillow and sleeping kitten across so that she was right beside him. This kitten was going to be spoiled rotten. He could imagine it, Mouse spending hours playing with her, trying to teach her tricks and letting her climb all over the furniture.

 

Feeling drained, he gently nudged Мышь to move over a little, whispered a last ‘happy birthday’ to him, and settled in to sleep.

 

\-----

 

Mouse woke up the next morning with Leaf asleep on his face. Best birthday ever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tony: look at this half raised person. Why is no one helping him?  
> Steve: you’re not James Barnes I want the real Bucky back  
> Tony: they are mine now they are precious and if you hurt them I will take away your old-timey newspaper privileges
> 
> Mouse: Cats?  
> James and Tony: yes, cats  
> Mouse: cats!  
> James and Tony: would you like a cat?  
> James and Tony, two minutes later: WE SAID ONE CAT PUT THEM BACK MOUSE
> 
> James: oh no I let it slip that I’m insecure  
> Tony: let me tell you every reason why you’re awesome while comparing you to my children  
> James: wait hold up you wanna be friends?  
> Tony: did you not listen to my emotional monologue?  
> Tony: That was three years’ worth of Discussions Involving Emotions right there  
> James: same here so you know how I totally didn’t retaliate when Steve was being mean to my little brother?  
> Tony: I’m turning into Rhodey
> 
> Leaf: you are now my pillow  
> Mouse: <3 <3 <3

**Author's Note:**

> Let me know your thoughts?
> 
> Love, Sheep xx


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